What an interesting few months – and by interesting, I mean horrible. I was so enthusiastic and had such a grand vision for my life/this blog/the marathon.
I wanted to gain a following, of those who enjoyed my writing, was inspired by my words, and start a grassroots momentum of – being true to yourself, reaching for the stars, that you can change your destiny with determination, hope, passion, hard work and faith. Nothing is impossible if your heart and mind and soul are all in.
I wanted to have a successful blog, finish my novel, get my fighting fit body back – strong, lean, but curvy where it matters – run a marathon, have fun, and in the process raise money for charity. Each person/organization would pledge/donate to their favorite charity,
I thought of reaching out to Celtic Park in Glasgow, telling them of my quest to run a marathon in my Hoops, in the name of all those who yearn for more, who fight to overcome, to inspire people to rise up against fear and become the most vital, joyous, impassioned version of themselves.
Those were my dreams. Ironically, given all my grand rhetoric, I have been crippled, by an unsympathetic leg, doubt and abject fear. My enthusiasm, bordering on arrogance, pushed too hard and I injured my knee, as you know, a few months back – with rest, patience and gentle, progressive exercise, it improved, but then, desire overcame logic and I jumped back in too quickly and pushed too hard to kick myself up to the next level; my knee was not happy. And repeat…I’m fine to work, to walk – did 8.5 miles last week – do yoga, normal stuff at the gym, even an aqua fit class, where I felt like an Olympic supermodel, but now I’m too scared to run.
I’m scared that I’ll really hurt myself and not be able to work. I’m scared of raising a following/generating money for worldwide charities and not be able to pull off the marathon and let everybody down. I’ve sucked other people into my vision, so, it’s not just me on the line. Normally, I’m optimistic, strong and athletic – I’m not used to having a body that I’m not confident in – the weight gain, the weakness, the fallibility. I don’t feel like myself and I’m scared that I’ll never feel like myself again. I can’t give up; it’s not in my nature, but, right now, I’m paralysed by fear and dread and frustration.
Last week, I started a beginner’s running class to learn good form and how to safely progress etc. The goal was to run a timed mile – I ran about a third, then my knee didn’t feel right – no pain, but just not right – I slowed to a walk – then as all the frustration and anger and sadness and sheer impotence welled up inside me, I slowed to a virtual crawl, blinded by tears, doubled over in hysterical sobbing, sleeves as hankies. I finished – third last – ego bruised, body trembling, a big blob of stuttering humanity.
Tonight – is class #2 – I’d been debating on not going – I’m used to being in the lead – could my ego take being stuck at the back? – then spoke to someone, who finished last week’s run well ahead of me. She said that I needed to share my frustrations and doubts to let people see that even those who appear confident and put-together can be falling apart inside, and that she believed that I would finish the marathon in December, and that I needed to drop my expectations before I drove myself mad.
I have now decided that I will go to the class – and walk. That I do not have to run, that walking a marathon is still an achievement. That I will not actively do any charity raising at the moment – if people want to pledge money for me just to give it a shot and do what I can, great! That I will do the blog, whether I feel successful or not. That I will do what I can, not push, just allow, have fun, and see what happens down the road. All I can give is what I have – no more – no less…I feel lighter already!!! Now, off to….walk…..