Too much of late, I’ve doubted myself; my natural optimism and confidence eroded as I allowed circumstances and unprocessed emotions – anger, fear, sadness, frustration, anxiety – to control my life. I stagnated while friends realized their dreams – got married, had children, set up companies, moved away. I’ve been writing and acting, here and there, but never able to fully focus on them – bills do need to be paid. I’d lost hope and faith that anything would change. Is this all there is? Is this all there is ever going to be? I continually asked myself. People see me as supremely independent and strong; nobody guessed that inside I was dying. My goals of being a successful author, of traveling, of entertaining, of inspiring people to follow their dreams, felt so removed from possibility that they had as much substance as ether.
A pair of running shoes, a sports bra and baseball cap are a dangerous combination…
After the walk/run failure of last week, my pride and ego strutted centre-stage and demanded we do better…my logical plan of reach a good level of fitness by the end of May, and do the running technique workshop, before commencing an actual running program, was discarded. My usual wander around Lake Hollywood with a wide brimmed summer hat was morphed into a walk/run – started well, did 300 steps over 4 minutes – was totally out of breathe, but recovered as I walked, repeated twice. At the end of a few miles, decided to add in some hill climbing – still fine – once back on the flat, I ran again – 4th time – and, feeling good, I more sprinted without realizing it – did 300 steps in 2 minutes – and felt my left calf/hamstrings rebel. Taking very small steps, with regular stretching, I made it the last 3 miles back to my car. At home, used ice and arnica; I’m presuming tomorrow I’ll be fine. My stubbornness is legendary; on that alone, I could cross the finish line, but I want to be able to do it safely and well. Still not ready to put my money/body on the line.
I’ve not mentioned that the main reason I’ve been reluctant to be all in is the fact that, several years ago, I ripped ligaments in my left ankle and an orthopedic specialist said I would never be able to run, wear heels or dance again. With patience, hard work, and applying all my physio knowledge, a year later, I was wearing 4 inch heels while dancing at a great wedding! And dabbled in the tango…Usually, I don’t accept limitations; my gymnastic coaches always told me – ‘there’s no such word as can’t’. In the past, I’ve been daring and fearless in going after what I wanted.
It seems silly, but writing this blog, researching this marathon business, learning how to set up a website, posting photos of past adventures, getting my fitness back, potentially raising a ton of money for charity, has given me a sharp injection of hope; faith in myself, of a glorious future, is returning. I claim back my power from the clutches of fear and doubt.
Today, I pushed too hard, too fast, learned my lesson, and will now proceed with more care and be gentle with myself. I know I need to temper passion and desire to succeed with cold logic and patience, so I don’t get injured. As a wise teacher once said, progress not perfection…this week, my goal is to get the website fully functional, activate the subscriptions, comments, links etc, upload photos from my camera, and make a decision of whether I will commit to completing the Honolulu marathon in December or not.
Currently watching ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ as I write, while dreaming of visiting Hawaii…Good luck to you – may you walk with strength, know how remarkable you are and not be afraid to reach for the stars…for anything is possible…as long as we have the courage to be ourselves…